I just completed my first 10-day Vipassana meditation silent retreat in the beautiful countryside of northern Sunshine Coast, in my home state of QLD.
WOW – what an experience, but first let’s discuss what Vipassana is.
WHAT – Vipassana means “to see things as they really are”, and is one of India’s most ancient techniques of meditation. It was rediscovered by Gotama Buddha more than 2500 years ago and was taught by him as a universal remedy for suffering (fun fact: there is not just one “Buddha”; Buddha means “An Enlightened one” and there have been countless Buddhas over the centuries who have been deemed to have reached this highest level of nirvana). This non-sectarian (not belonging to any religion) technique aims for the total eradication of mental impurities and the result is the highest level of happiness you can imagine, and full liberation from your destructive monkey mind.
As our guru pointed out during our course, there is no such thing as ‘Jewish misery’, or ‘Japanese depression’ etc. – suffering is universal regardless of where you live, your religion or your race, and therefore, the remedy should also be universal.
HOW – Vipassana is a way of self-transformation through self-observation, and breaking the habit patterns of the mind. It focuses on the connection between mind and body, by giving disciplined attention to the physical sensations in the body, whilst maintaining a clear and calm mind. You learn how the mind loves to chase good sensations (cravings) and tries to avoid the negative ones (aversion) and off your happy little monkey mind goes with distracting you from feeling into your body, removing you from enjoying your current existence, and experiencing reality as it truly is (result = suffering). So simple in theory but so much harder to do in practice if you’re not used to it or have been stuck with a wandering mind for most of your life and unsure how to steady it. It is through constant and vigilant focus for long periods of time, in a controlled environment (ie: not a single distraction) that this observation-based, self-exploratory journey can take place – one doesn’t simply sit down on Day 1 of Vipassana and get given all the tools, or understand the practice right away, it is a slow and conscious learning. But when you ‘get it’, Vipassana will take you to depths of your mind, clear out all the mental impurities and poisons you’ve held onto for all of your life, and leave you with a peaceful, balanced mind full of love and compassion for all. Luckily, I didn’t know all this before I started – I’m more of a follow-my-gut, don’t ask questions and see where I end up kinda gal… if I’d had all those expectations of the outcome when I started, I’m not sure I’d have had such a beautiful and surprising journey. The silence is necessary to allow you to go deep into your own existence, and not to be distracted by others talking about their experience, as we all know comparison is the thief of all joy. There are strict rules to follow, including no contact with the outside world, no devices, no reading, writing, musical instruments, exercise, or following any other religion or technique. You must be willing to wholly surrender to the technique for the full 10 days or you are asked not to attend.
I first learnt about Vipassana meditation on my first trip to India 12 years ago and wrote about it on this blog post but I wasn’t ready to go that deep into my mind back then – there were things I needed to heal from that I wasn’t even aware of, so spending that much time in my own head felt terrifying. But as always, when the student is ready, the teacher appears… and after class last year in India, my yoga instructor chatted with me about her experience, and I had this feeling wash over me… Yes, it was time. She sent me the website link, and it stayed open on my phone tab for a good 6 months while I contemplated when I could possibly justify going completely offline for 10 days to attend it. I wasn’t sure how, I just knew I had to do it.
The only course I could do (work-wise) for the whole year would be during Jan, and the minute applications opened, I applied and prayed. There is so much demand for these courses in QLD, that they book out all 70 spots (of 20 courses each year) within 10 mins of opening applications – so to keep it fair, they accept at random. Some people wait years to get accepted. Verity, my faithful travel buddy, yoga instructor & breathwork facilitator, has been a willing companion on my retreat adventures in the past so I encouraged her to apply as well. Well, as it turns out… She got accepted, and I got waitlisted. I was gutted – I felt so sure this was my time! But I accepted that if it’s meant to be, it will be. The organisers contacted us both to confirm we know we can’t talk if we both attend the same course, we can’t even make eye contact with other meditators – again, to not distract from your own internal work – and we agreed eagerly. In the end, Verity had to pull out at the last minute, and I’m kind of glad she did – I know I would have been thinking about her too much, curious as to her experience, and not fully present to my own journey.
It wasn’t until 6 days before the course started that I got accepted – I had just about given up, so when the email came I was nervous as hell. Was I truly ready for this? What the hell had I even signed up for anyway?! I started reading blogs about others’ experiences, and I got a bit scared off and almost didn’t accept my spot… but then that feeling came back, and I knew it was my time. Hell yes, I’ll take the spot. I’ll figure the rest out.
I felt so guilty to be skipping a “strong start” to the work year by taking even more time to myself after the Christmas break – ironically, taking these 10 days to myself has given me a completely renewed sense of energy for my work, and coming at my business in a way that aligns with my soul’s intentions to serve others. I was so close to burnout by the end of 2023 – ‘going too fast’ has always been my normal speed of pace. Hard exercise at the gym every morning as well as yoga/dog walks/running/beach walks, bouncing between cities & states for work every other week, all whilst battling a gut/auto-immune disease for 18 months… it wasn’t until a convo with my “busy friend” (with 3 businesses) and I mentioned all I’d done in that day before dinner said, “Geez Belle, I’m exhausted just hearing all that!” that I realised, my nervous system is shot, this isn’t how I want to be, and it sure isn’t sustainable. Time for a reset.
So on day 0 at 3pm, I turned up to Dhamma Rasmi, the Sunshine Coast’s leading Vipassana meditation centre (visited by the great guru Goenka himself in the late 80s), open-minded, nervous and excited. There’s a lot of rules to follow, and they take it damn seriously. The dress code is India-level modest; Even having a bit of your knee showing during meditations in the hall will have the Course Manager come to reprimand you (In my head I dubbed her the “fun police” as she’d have to tell you off if you didn’t strictly obey all rules at all times – she was actually lovely though).
We got signed in and a few of us chatted while we waited to get started. Men and women are segregated, so I only spoke to the women – from all walks of life, different levels of experience, all open-hearted and ready to work. We discussed what we came for – I said I came to break my busy mind open, fix it to work for me not against me, and put it back together to live with less resistance, more peace and presence. A wise old Indian lady who’d attended more than 20 of these courses nodded at this comment – she knew I’d be getting what I came for (and I sure did). We discussed which of the rules we thought we’d struggle with; mine were the no food after 12pm, and not being able to write about my experience. A couple of the other girls mentioned they’d snuck in some snacks, as they couldn’t survive without it – turns out, neither of them lasted to the end. Even the one who said she’d waited 5 years to get in for this course, was gone by Day 3. You can’t speak, so we don’t know why they leave; one day, they’re just gone – I guess we’ll never know.
By 8pm, silence started and we had our first meditation in the hall. A large, high-roofed building, it’s the height of summer in QLD and there are no fans – 6 AC’s that they never turned on, much to my misery – with 70 people packed in, it got hot fast (which I later understood, is also all part of the process). I’m a very warm-blooded human, so no circulation in this humid heat was stifling – but hey, I knew I came here to be challenged; I needed to surrender, so I did. Our guru gave some information as to how the next 10 days will unfold, explaining that “You have come here to have a deep surgery of your mind, and you do not let the doctor cut you open, have some pus & infection come up from the wound, then say no no that’s enough, I will leave now… so don’t try to leave this surgery until the 10 days are finished. You are in prison here, and there are rules for your benefit – so if you think you can’t make it to the end, you should leave now & we will only wish you well” – everyone stayed that night, but we lost about a dozen soldiers over the course. Not everyone was able to sit with what came up for them.
Now, I’ll pause here to say – I don’t want to go into full detail about the course outline/teachings… Now I am finished, I understand that every individual’s experience at this is so different; even those who’ve done 10+ courses say it’s different each time – and going in with expectations or comparing will rob you of your own experience. But most importantly, if I give the details on how they teach the technique, you’ll miss learning from the teachers the way it is intended, and that’s disrespectful to the process. So I will just summarise my own experience and gloss over some details, and if you feel called to do this work, I highly recommend it. Happy to answer any questions 😊
Within the first few days of peace and and undisturbed access to my mind, I started having some beautiful insights into my life’s path thus far, and why I am the way I am. Instead of comparing myself to others as I often do, I noted in my head how I’ve had such unique and disruptive experiences unlike anyone else I’ve ever met (dying at birth then chronic illness as a baby, finding my Dad overdosed, countless deaths of close family & friends in a variety of ways before age 21) and so, of course, I’m “not like them” with these traumas in my imprint years – but also, I’ve achieved so much with such an unstable foundation to the start of my life. I’ve never been in a toxic or violent relationship despite that being the example set by my parents, I have a secure attachment style despite such inconsistent care as a child, and I’m a functioning adult with a great job, friends, and relationships. This wasn’t an easy revelation; I had to have a big internal dummy spit at the cruelty of life during a silent sitting in the hall on day 5, the only tears I shed on the entire journey… but once I released those feelings (whilst forcing myself to sit without moving for 2.5 hours as punishment to myself for my bad mood and lack of focus), I felt such joy and elation. But my god, did my mind attach itself to the pain in my knee during that last hour, it was excruciating! Forget “maintain a calm and quiet mind” – I felt the pulsations of throbbing pain all through my body, and nothing was distracting my mind from my suffering over it (I’d learn how to master that later). I just had to keep reminding myself that I’m not holding my leg in a fire – this won’t last, you will recover, just ride it out. And that was about the theme for Days 5-8 for me – great morning = elation and walking around with a big dumb grin… followed by meeting the depths of despair in the afternoon = internal suffering, relentless pain in the body, all the feels. Or vice versa; distracted/poor practice in the morning, great liberating afternoon. But I learnt so much through these little valleys of my experience so after a few dips on the roller coaster, I started to let them come and see them for what they were. Lessons that we can apply to experiences in life in the real world. How willing you are to observe your suffering without attaching meaning or story to it, and understand that nothing in life is permanent, good or bad. Just keep riding the rollercoaster and know it will end eventually. For those asking: not once did I consider leaving the prison once I walked in. There was work to do and I was ready to go as deep as required.
The food served was delicious, wholly vegetarian and felt like rainbows were coming from my body – I didn’t miss or want anything more. In fact, the chronic gut issues I’ve been dealing with cleared up entirely while I was there – either the lack of stress or the food, I’m not sure, but it was very nurturing food to suit the work we were doing. Any food allergies are easily accommodated.
Day 4 is a big day in the teaching of the technique, and I had a breakthrough in my meditation practice. “Day 4 is WILD!!” is all I had on repeat in my mind that day. I was suddenly able to sit for a full hour without moving – magic! I’ve been meditating for years without achieving that goal, and I learnt it’s because I would let my reckless monkey mind feed me lies about how excruciating the pain in my foot, back or knee was… but as soon as I’d move it, within 2 mins the pain would be completely gone, and I’d feel disappointed I didn’t hold out longer (Pro tip: some positions are harder to hold for long periods than others, before you master your mind. I still can’t go more than an hour cross-legged, but straddling a cushion I can do 3 hours. Find what works best for you).
Goenka the wise Indian teacher, explains that when we make our physical pain our mental pain, we only double it – and why on earth would we want to double our pain?! So many of the concepts taught are so simplistic but so obvious, and many I’d heard countless times before – but in this environment, free from all other distractions and nothing but time… I finally GOT IT.
Days are spent enjoying the natural beauty of this region, there’s a small walking track in the bush that we all cut laps of each day. After breakfast, most of us sit in front of the pond and watch what I called “Caterpillar TV” – watching the tiny frogs sing and fat green caterpillars work their way around the pond’s lillies and nearby plants. Every day, I’d challenge myself to notice something new at the pond that I hadn’t seen before – hard, when I would stare at that pond for about 3 hours a day – and feel absolute presence to the moment, something that was sadly so rare for me and my busy little body lately.
Sitting without any back support for 10+ hours a day was really difficult, initially. From Day 1 up to Day 4, I had moved my designated spot in the hall to lean against the back wall, as my right shoulder blade was in such agony that I “couldn’t possibly” keep my back straight without support. When I was asked why I moved, I faked a car crash injury – I was disappointed at my weakness, but I thought, what was the point of feeling so distracted by the pain in my body that I can’t clear my mind to do the work? The teacher was very compassionate, but I learnt on Day 4 that you need the pain to learn the lessons. Once I had the “A-HA” moment, I moved off the wall for good; my shoulder blade barely hurt again, something unlocked in me, and I went turbo.
Once certain lessons clicked into place, there was no stopping me from taking full advantage of the time I had carved out for myself on this course. Soon I found I was able to skip the breaks between sittings, and go for longer than required – sometimes just for a fun challenge to make the most of my time at the centre, one time to punish myself in an afternoon of deep misery on day 5 (a typically hard day for most), which was horrible but also so necessary… but by the time I went 3 hours without moving a limb, it was just from being in a pure state of bliss, completely present to my body and in flow as the technique instructs you to do. The bell gonged for lunch, and I came back down to Earth – shit, did I really just do 3 hours?! And I didn’t even feel the need to run off to lunch, I walked around the small walking track on the property, gazing at intricate details on trees and watching ants at work, all tiny details I’d completely missed before this. I started to tune into sensations in my body that I’d missed my whole life. I was finally out of my busy mind, and at peace in my body, in a way I’d never experienced – and I was blown away. Who knew just a week of focused attention on your inner world, free from all distractions, could have such profound results?
I felt so amazing and loved the process, I was deepening my practice so fast until… a revelation over a major life decision I’d been considering for a number of years, popped up out of nowhere. And once it started, my mind started racing with putting “The Plan” into action. Except, one problem – no phones, no journalling, no way of making notes of all the actionable steps I needed to make to achieve this goal I was suddenly so amped for. My progress on the meditation side of things grinded to a halt, and I felt so frustrated by this. ‘Now isn’t the time’, I growled at my busy mind and it’s constant need to have a plan. ‘We’re here to meditate not plan our life, can’t this wait a week’ – and my meditations went from calm to an all-out war with my own mind. “Clear it… cling to it.. clear it, cling to it..” became my dance, and I took up the offer for a chat with a teacher about my struggle (you’re invited to meet with the teacher at 12pm for 5 mins to discuss any difficulties with the practice if required). Her advice was simply, “just observe” and I felt like rolling my eyes at her. I can’t! It’s like a freight train through my mind 24/7. But I took on her advice, and it actually did help – after a few days, I managed to move past this blockage, solve the problem & iron out ‘The Plan’ to get back to the task at hand. At the end of the course, I understood completely why that thought popped up when it did – honestly, there’s so much insight at the end, as to the whole journey… I feel for the people who get overwhelmed and don’t make it to the other side of the 10 days.
By Day 10, I was so used to the silence and didn’t want it to end. They lift the vow of ‘Noble silence’ on this day so we can gently reintegrate with our peers before facing the outside world and undoubtably, becoming overwhelmed by all the sensations and losing our equilibrium (solid strategy). I continued to meditate after the gong, and noticed a few others seemed to be radiating the same energy… but eventually I was the last one left, and the kind manager came to check on me. “How was your course? You worked very hard”, she asked smilingly. Great, I replied – I’m not ready for the silence to end. I could hear in the distance many others gathered to chatter happily, sharing their experience but I took a stroll through the woods first, gathering my thoughts. I knew I had a choice in how I want to show up to these people, myself, and the real world of my busy life after this, so I don’t need to rush back if I don’t want to – enjoy the bubble of silence and peace I’ve created, enjoy the sanctuary of my mind instead of feeling trapped by it like I tended to do before. It is crazy that so many (myself included) thought the silence would kill a chatterbox like me – instead, it was the easiest part.
I realised I keep busy and talk so much to distract myself from spending time dissecting the constant stream of thoughts in my head, but instead I’ve learnt real techniques to slow down the speed & and quantity of all those racing thoughts and be present – and I didn’t need to pack up my life and move to India to find this peace. I feel so much gratitude to the teachers of this technique, their time and energy – the fact that these courses exist around the world and there are no fees to attend is absolutely incredible.
Eventually, I joined the group at my own pace and soon LOVED hearing about everyone’s experiences, and sharing mine. It’s a strange feeling when you spend a total of 12 days with complete strangers, go on a deep journey into your soul whilst all these other humans are doing the same mere metres away, so the energy is all shared, vibing, mingling – there were days where I struggled with a sitting that felt like it would never end, and I’d hear the deep, strained breath of the woman behind me, or the rapid, laboured breathing of a guy all the way on the other side of the hall and realise – we’re all struggling today. Collectively, we’re probably all going through it in this stage of the process of unlearning… and we found strength in each other. Indeed, on days that felt super tough, in the evenings’ video recording from the Guru (I called it “Video night at the Ashram” except there is no popcorn or lounging in this movie night), he’d say things like “today was probably really hard, because of XYZ” and I’d be shocked – I thought it was just me and my own life causing my suffering today, but it is just par for the course for this stage of the process.
On Day 11, we have one final 4:30am meditation, breakfast & tidy up, then we’re free. I put myself into a 2-hr float tank as soon as I checked emails and knew there were no major issues (NONE, despite my mind telling me I’m probably coming out to so many angry clients/team… infact, new client opportunities fell into my lap during the retreat), and spent the weekend all on my own, going slow, staying present.
Tomorrow work restarts, and I feel READY. I want to maintain this calm into the new year, but let’s be honest. I’ve done enough of this kind of work before to know, these feelings of nirvanic bliss don’t stay so strong once you return to the real world, unless you apply what you’ve learnt consistently in your day-to-day life. My life IS busy, and it isn’t going to suddenly change overnight because I have a bit of presence. Continuing to practice daily, will help me to find balance and peace in my real-world struggles, and to react differently than I did before. I will do my best. The best part is now I’ve been initiated and completed the minimum 10 days, I’m now able to attend the shorter 1-3 courses, and have stayed in touch with the other attendees from my course so we can do Vipassana together in the real world. I will 100% do both, as this technique is pretty incredible.
Key takeaways:
- We allow our minds to create so much unnecessary suffering for us. Don’t attach yourself to your physical pain and identify with it, let it stay in your body with a clear mind. Don’t become miserable being a slave to that tough guy in your head feeding you lies and creating false realities, he’s full of shit.
- I discovered just how fucking powerful I am during this course, which is ironic as we literally sat around doing ‘nothing’ for 17 hours a day. But battling your mind & fighting a negative mindset is no joke – and whilst I didn’t win every round in that ring over 10 days, I ultimately won the war and know I now have tools to help me overcome hurdles for life now.
- If you want peace in your life to handle whatever life throws at you, work at it. Skip an hours sleep to wake up earlier to meditate – that hour of reseting your nervous system, resting your body and slowing down will do more for you than an hours restless sleep anyway. You just need to learn how to meditate properly, so you get the full advantages. I’ve woken up at 4am every day since Day 1 of this course, slept past my usual bedtime every single night and haven’t needed to nap. That’s wild to me!
There is honestly SO MUCH more I could write, but this is long enough & you do truly need to experience this for yourself to see what you will get out of it. It’s one thing to read about it, hear a friends story… it’s entirely another to experience it for yourself. Don’t be scared off by the rules – each of them serve their purpose once you are there. Don’t be scared of your mind either; it’s the unwillingness to face this wild animal and always letting it run that makes it seem scary. When you part the clouds of your disillusioned mind, there is the most incredible bliss and view on the other side.
How do I do this? If you feel called to do this yourself, Vipassana meditation centres are offered all over the world, and all are offered free (donations are suggested if you finish, so you can pay it forward for the next person to attend). Learn more here. You are required to complete a full 10-day course first so you can learn the full technique – after you’re an “old student” there are shorter (and longer) courses available.
Thank you for reading my novel 😁 A big part of Vipassana is sharing & helping others so I wanted to pass it on. Also thinking of recording a short Vipassana-inspired guided meditation with some helpful tips for those looking to build up a meditation practice, if you’re interested let me know.
With love, compassion & immense gratitude
❤️ Belle
belletakesontheworld 